• Adam Lukeman, LCSW

Important Steps to a Good Relationship

Updated: 3 days ago

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna (guest author)

Fear is a significant factor in relationships. It confuses our mind, undermines our confidence and prevents us from making choices that would be healthy for all. A great source of fear is rejection by others. We’ll do anything to avoid it and avoid the upset rejection brings. But the true pain does not come because someone has rejected us. It is because we constantly reject ourselves. It can be very difficult to overcome the one within which always finds fault, both with ourselves and others.

Building a Fearless Relationships With Yourself

Not aware that we have rejected ourselves, we become overly hungry for their approval. Rather than experiencing relationships as a place of safety and support, they become a place where we must be constantly performing, making the grade and pleasing others in order to receive the approval we crave.

And, when we slip up, as is completely normal, a new fear arises, that we are basically unlovable. Many fear that they’ll never be able to meet anyone’s standards or needs. Then we twist ourselves in all kinds of ways, pretend to be someone else, in order to receive the acceptance and validation we crave.

Living As A False Self Must Backfire

Of course, sooner or later, this has to backfire.Living as a false self can only go on so long. It takes too much of a toll. And when we do receive approval from others, we seldom can take it in or feel it is true. That is because first we must accept and approve of ourselves, we must make friends with ourselves, become a place of support and understanding. Then, we will not even need or crave approval from others. Espe