“What Is a Codependent Relationship?”

What is a codependent relationship?

So, let’s slow this down and just talk for a minute—no labels, no judgment. Just two people trying to make sense of something that feels confusing or painful.

You’ve brought up feeling like you lose yourself in relationships. Maybe you give too much. Maybe you find yourself worrying constantly about what the other person thinks, or how they’re feeling—even when they haven’t asked for help. And maybe, deep down, there’s a voice that says, “If I stop doing this, they’ll leave. Or they’ll hurt. Or something will fall apart.”

If any of that feels familiar, we might be talking about codependency.

Now, that word can sound heavy. It’s been overused in pop psychology, so let me explain it with more care. A codependent relationship is one where one person’s sense of identity, self-worth, or emotional stability becomes deeply tied to another person’s well-being. It often means over-functioning—trying to fix, manage, or rescue others—while under-functioning emotionally for yourself.

Let me give you a story. It's fictional, but based on many real ones.

Meet Sarah and Daniel.

Sarah grew up in a home where emotions were rarely talked about. Her mother struggled with depression. Her father was emotionally distant. By the time she was 10, Sarah had learned to scan the room constantly: Is Mom okay? What mood is Dad in? Do I need to be cheerful today? Or invisible?

Fast forward twenty years. Sarah is dating Daniel. Daniel is charming but inconsistent. Some days he showers her with attention, and others he’s withdrawn, irritable, or drinking too much. Sarah feels anxious, but instead of setting boundaries, she starts working harder: checking in constantly, excusing his outbursts, rationalizing his drinking, and putting his needs ahead of her own. She says things like, “He’s been through so much. I know if I just love him enough, he’ll change.”

And when she gets angry—really angry—she often turns it inward. She feels guilty for having needs. She says, “I’m probably just being too sensitive.”

Sound familiar?

So where does this come from?

Codependency isn't a flaw in your personality. It’s usually a survival strategy learned early in life. When children grow up in homes where their emotional needs are unmet—where love is conditional, unpredictable, or entangled with pain—they often become hyper-attuned to others in order to feel safe or valued.

Melody Beattie, one of the first voices to write extensively on codependency, said:

“Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They underreact. But rarely do they act. "They wait for the other shoe to drop. They walk on eggshells. They manage instead of connect.

Psychologist Pia Mellody adds something important here: she believed that codependency stems from developmental immaturity caused by childhood relational trauma. In her model, five core symptoms show up in codependent people:

1. Difficulty maintaining self-esteem

2. Difficulty setting boundaries

3. Difficulty owning and expressing reality (wants, needs, thoughts, feelings)

4. Difficulty taking care of adult needs and wants

5. Difficulty experiencing and expressing moderation
   

So if you’ve struggled to say no, or you’ve lost yourself in caregiving, it’s not a personal failure. It’s a learned adaptation to an unsafe or emotionally chaotic environment. Your nervous system wired itself for protection.

How it looks in relationships today

In adult relationships, codependency can look like:

• Staying in unhealthy relationships out of fear of abandonment

• Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings

• Saying yes when you want to say no

• Becoming the “fixer” or “therapist” in the relationship

• Feeling resentful but unable to voice it

• Measuring your worth by how much you're needed
  

It’s not always dramatic or obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle: always putting your partner’s preferences first. Apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong. Feeling guilty when you rest. It’s a kind of emotional enmeshment—where your feelings, identity, and choices become fused with another person’s experience.

Harville Hendrix, who developed Imago Relationship Therapy, adds a useful layer here. He believed we are unconsciously drawn to partners who embody the traits of our early caregivers—especially the ones who wounded us. Why? Because our subconscious mind is trying to recreate the past in hopes of healing it. Codependency often grows in those relationships—where one partner over-functions while the other under-functions. They become locked in a dance that’s familiar, but not necessarily healthy.

But here’s the hope.

Codependency is learned—which means it can be unlearned. Healing starts by turning the focus back toward yourself. It doesn’t mean becoming selfish. It means becoming self-honoring.

Here’s what that might look like:

• Learning to say no without guilt

• Naming your own wants and needs—and letting them matter

• Feeling safe in your own emotional space, even when others are struggling

• Reclaiming your time, your voice, your preferences

• Letting go of the belief that it’s your job to rescue, fix, or save anyone
  

Therapists working with codependency often focus on boundaries, assertiveness training, self-esteem work, and inner child healing. Ego State Therapy and Parts Work can be especially helpful—because they allow you to dialogue with the parts of you that feel scared to let go, or that believe “If I’m not needed, I’ll be abandoned.” These parts often carry the emotional burdens of childhood.

In NLP, we might work with the inner representations—the mental movies—that run when you imagine setting boundaries or being alone. We’d explore the unconscious beliefs behind them and reframe them into something more life-giving.

You don’t have to stop caring. You just need to learn how to care for others without abandoning yourself.

A final thought

Codependency is not who you are—it’s something you learned. And learning is reversible. You’re allowed to have needs. You’re allowed to have boundaries. You’re allowed to be whole, even if no one else is falling apart.

And maybe, just maybe, the most loving thing you can do for others… is to stop rescuing them and start returning home to yourself.